[For a long moment, it's all he manages to say, softly.
He isn't sure what he can say to that. He understands that feeling of guilt, of feeling responsible for losing the people you love. But all the same, is it his place to say she didn't do anything wrong? At the same time, somewhere in the recesses of his mind, Law does recognize that it's strange they'd be so insistent on teaching her how to use magic while also telling her not to ever use it.
In the world they live in, it feels inevitable that they all have to fight at some point, unless they're going to live the life of an obedient slave. Still, he simply isn't equipped the words it takes to put all of those jumbled thoughts together. He isn't equipped for any of this, really. Not what she tells him, not the way she's sobbing. The vicegrip on his heart tightens, squeezing out feelings he doesn't yet understand. He has to do something for her.
But what? What can he do to help her?
Drawing in a quiet breath, Law shifts just enough to bring his hand up and rest it atop Rinwell's head. Seems that urge to give her a pat isn't going to go away, and maybe this is why.]
Maybe this won't mean much coming from me, since I never met them or anything. But I think your parents would want you to find a way to be happy. [There's still a lot Law doesn't know about Zephyr's feelings, or why he did the things he did. But in those final moments, Law is sure that Zephyr didn't resent him for his choices. All that time, he'd wanted to see his son again, enough so that he put himself in a position to be captured.
A parent's love is... kind of scary that way.] I think no matter what happened, or how, or why... they'd forgive you, Rinwell.
[ during those moments of initial silence, all she can do is let those tears run, small shakes running through her with each sob. she's said her piece, and talking any further is too much for her while she's crying like this. so those moments are actually useful for her — to at least try and get her bearings straight.
but then his hand is on her head, and there's a sharp inhale from the unexpected physical contact. the... comforting motion. it at least ends her sobs — for the most part — and turns them into sniffles and only the occasional sob. focusing on the way it feels, she listens to the rest of his words. a large part of her wants to fight back against that — that how could anyone know whether they would want her to be happy or forgive her when they're dead? she doesn't have any right to be forgiven. she caused the death of the people she loves most in the world, and she should rightly suffer for it.
except... the other part of her wants so desperately for him to be right. to believe him. she knows her parents loved her. they were strict at times, but they were happy together. it's just so hard to get that through to her when she's spent so much time stewing in this alone.
she's quieter now than before, at least. and her hands are no longer gripping the grass so tightly. ]
I-Is that... really what you think, Law? Is it even... okay, for them to forgive me? [ does she truly deserve that? ] And... even if they do, how do I forgive myself?
[For the first time since he's sat down with her, Law feels like maybe he hasn't done something completely wrong. Rinwell's sobs slow and at the very least, he feels as if he's brought her comfort.
He knows it can't fix very much, and he can hear from the way she responds that Rinwell is still as a loss. But she seems much less desperate than a moment ago—even if it ends up being fleeting, it's something.
And he imagines it'll be fleeting, because as Rinwell asks how she can forgive herself, he realizes he can't answer that. He hasn't actually forgiven himself at all yet—he's still carrying the weight of his guilt close to the vest.]
I just think... as parents, they'd forgive you, no matter what. They're the ones who taught you everything, so didn't they like, have to know there was a chance or a reason you'd use it someday? I'm not sure. I can't really go putting too many words in their mouths, I just think they'd forgive you, because they loved you.
[Law's head dips as the images of Zephyr flash through his mind. How he didn't want to fight when they reunited. How he just wanted Law to come back with him. How he laid his life on the line for every belief, and to the very end, he still called out to Law, even as his life was draining from him.
There's a lot Law doesn't know and understand. A lot. Not about the way Zephyr lived, now about how to overcome his own guilt, and not how to help Rinwell any more. But with a shaky, quiet breath, he offers the one thing he keeps telling himself.]
Forgiving yourself... I think it just takes time. Maybe a long, long time.
[ he's placating her feelings, at the very least. putting some form of bandaid on them until she can legitimately figure them out for herself — which is probably the best anyone can do right now. she can't expect others to magically solve her problems and her feelings. ]
Because they loved me... I think... I get what you're saying.
[ they did. in her heart, she knows they did. her brain sometimes tries to tell her otherwise, but... they loved her. they taught her magic not to make her an outcast, but because they loved her. and that magic has helped her help others, even if it's also made her question herself. she knows that, if things were the other way around somehow, she would forgive her parents. so...
meanwhile, it'll take a while for her to forgive herself. she supposes, if that's what he thinks, then she'll believe him. she looks up to law, in a way, and trusts him a great deal. regardless of how silly or thick-headed he can be at times, she believes him in times like this. he wouldn't spew nonsense he doesn't believe himself. ]
Then I... hope that time comes soon. Living with this is... It's hard, Law.
[ a deep, shaky inhale and exhale in try and calm her feelings down further. ]
[Entirely too well. Really, he wishes he didn't know so well how hard it is to live with that feeling.
Law spent so long being angry and bitter at Zephyr, only to realize far too late that his feelings were totally misdirected. It's hard to live with that. It's hard to live with the fact that Zephyr couldn't even see him, didn't even realize Law was at his side at the end. He never got to say the things he wanted to say.
...It's hard. It's so incredibly hard. But Rinwell is going through enough right now, so Law doesn't want to burden here with that. In some ways, she's still a kid, still learning to navigate things even more so than he is. So instead, he ruffles her hair a little, looking over to her with a small smile.]
But until then, you've got us, yeah? I'm sure any one of us would give you an ear if you need to talk. I mean... I know I would. [He knows she's not exactly going to run to Shionne or Dohalim, but Law's also sure she probably trusts Kisara or Alphen more; they're older and more experienced with dealing with hardship.
Law just happened to be here this time, he doesn't really expect that she'd be his first choice for this.
(Even if there's an ache in his chest that tells him he wants to be.)]
[ she does respect alphen a great deal — he's like an older brother kind of figure. he's reliable, kind, helpful... and rather easy to talk to. and while she's only recently gotten to know kisara, she knows her to be a motherly and understanding type. she'd be plenty easy for rinwell to talk to, as well.
but, honestly...? law's the person she's the closest to, even if she doesn't act like it. they're close in age, and the things he's going through don't escape her notice. they're similar to her own experiences, in their own way. there's a certain comfort in talking to him that she's realizing, belatedly.
the idea of having everyone to lean on actually forms a small smile on her lips. aside from hootle, she hasn't had anyone like this in so long. it's kind of nice to think about. ]
... I know. Thanks, Law. [ reaching up to rub her eyes a little, get those tears off her face. hrrg. ] I think I feel a little better just telling you all that. I... haven't exactly told anyone before. But I feel like, out of everyone... you'd understand the most.
[ even if she was afraid to say it in the beginning, there's some weight off her chest now that she's not bearing the knowledge of it alone. she knows she can trust law with all this. ]
Sorry for dumping it all on you, though. It's probably a little more than you bargained for when you came to talk to me.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-10-08 02:30 am (UTC)[For a long moment, it's all he manages to say, softly.
He isn't sure what he can say to that. He understands that feeling of guilt, of feeling responsible for losing the people you love. But all the same, is it his place to say she didn't do anything wrong? At the same time, somewhere in the recesses of his mind, Law does recognize that it's strange they'd be so insistent on teaching her how to use magic while also telling her not to ever use it.
In the world they live in, it feels inevitable that they all have to fight at some point, unless they're going to live the life of an obedient slave. Still, he simply isn't equipped the words it takes to put all of those jumbled thoughts together. He isn't equipped for any of this, really. Not what she tells him, not the way she's sobbing. The vicegrip on his heart tightens, squeezing out feelings he doesn't yet understand. He has to do something for her.
But what? What can he do to help her?
Drawing in a quiet breath, Law shifts just enough to bring his hand up and rest it atop Rinwell's head. Seems that urge to give her a pat isn't going to go away, and maybe this is why.]
Maybe this won't mean much coming from me, since I never met them or anything. But I think your parents would want you to find a way to be happy. [There's still a lot Law doesn't know about Zephyr's feelings, or why he did the things he did. But in those final moments, Law is sure that Zephyr didn't resent him for his choices. All that time, he'd wanted to see his son again, enough so that he put himself in a position to be captured.
A parent's love is... kind of scary that way.] I think no matter what happened, or how, or why... they'd forgive you, Rinwell.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-08 02:52 am (UTC)but then his hand is on her head, and there's a sharp inhale from the unexpected physical contact. the... comforting motion. it at least ends her sobs — for the most part — and turns them into sniffles and only the occasional sob. focusing on the way it feels, she listens to the rest of his words. a large part of her wants to fight back against that — that how could anyone know whether they would want her to be happy or forgive her when they're dead? she doesn't have any right to be forgiven. she caused the death of the people she loves most in the world, and she should rightly suffer for it.
except... the other part of her wants so desperately for him to be right. to believe him. she knows her parents loved her. they were strict at times, but they were happy together. it's just so hard to get that through to her when she's spent so much time stewing in this alone.
she's quieter now than before, at least. and her hands are no longer gripping the grass so tightly. ]
I-Is that... really what you think, Law? Is it even... okay, for them to forgive me? [ does she truly deserve that? ] And... even if they do, how do I forgive myself?
[ how has he forgiven himself? ]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-08 07:57 pm (UTC)He knows it can't fix very much, and he can hear from the way she responds that Rinwell is still as a loss. But she seems much less desperate than a moment ago—even if it ends up being fleeting, it's something.
And he imagines it'll be fleeting, because as Rinwell asks how she can forgive herself, he realizes he can't answer that. He hasn't actually forgiven himself at all yet—he's still carrying the weight of his guilt close to the vest.]
I just think... as parents, they'd forgive you, no matter what. They're the ones who taught you everything, so didn't they like, have to know there was a chance or a reason you'd use it someday? I'm not sure. I can't really go putting too many words in their mouths, I just think they'd forgive you, because they loved you.
[Law's head dips as the images of Zephyr flash through his mind. How he didn't want to fight when they reunited. How he just wanted Law to come back with him. How he laid his life on the line for every belief, and to the very end, he still called out to Law, even as his life was draining from him.
There's a lot Law doesn't know and understand. A lot. Not about the way Zephyr lived, now about how to overcome his own guilt, and not how to help Rinwell any more. But with a shaky, quiet breath, he offers the one thing he keeps telling himself.]
Forgiving yourself... I think it just takes time. Maybe a long, long time.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-08 09:35 pm (UTC)Because they loved me... I think... I get what you're saying.
[ they did. in her heart, she knows they did. her brain sometimes tries to tell her otherwise, but... they loved her. they taught her magic not to make her an outcast, but because they loved her. and that magic has helped her help others, even if it's also made her question herself. she knows that, if things were the other way around somehow, she would forgive her parents. so...
meanwhile, it'll take a while for her to forgive herself. she supposes, if that's what he thinks, then she'll believe him. she looks up to law, in a way, and trusts him a great deal. regardless of how silly or thick-headed he can be at times, she believes him in times like this. he wouldn't spew nonsense he doesn't believe himself. ]
Then I... hope that time comes soon. Living with this is... It's hard, Law.
[ a deep, shaky inhale and exhale in try and calm her feelings down further. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-09 12:22 am (UTC)[Entirely too well. Really, he wishes he didn't know so well how hard it is to live with that feeling.
Law spent so long being angry and bitter at Zephyr, only to realize far too late that his feelings were totally misdirected. It's hard to live with that. It's hard to live with the fact that Zephyr couldn't even see him, didn't even realize Law was at his side at the end. He never got to say the things he wanted to say.
...It's hard. It's so incredibly hard. But Rinwell is going through enough right now, so Law doesn't want to burden here with that. In some ways, she's still a kid, still learning to navigate things even more so than he is. So instead, he ruffles her hair a little, looking over to her with a small smile.]
But until then, you've got us, yeah? I'm sure any one of us would give you an ear if you need to talk. I mean... I know I would. [He knows she's not exactly going to run to Shionne or Dohalim, but Law's also sure she probably trusts Kisara or Alphen more; they're older and more experienced with dealing with hardship.
Law just happened to be here this time, he doesn't really expect that she'd be his first choice for this.
(Even if there's an ache in his chest that tells him he wants to be.)]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-09 04:32 am (UTC)but, honestly...? law's the person she's the closest to, even if she doesn't act like it. they're close in age, and the things he's going through don't escape her notice. they're similar to her own experiences, in their own way. there's a certain comfort in talking to him that she's realizing, belatedly.
the idea of having everyone to lean on actually forms a small smile on her lips. aside from hootle, she hasn't had anyone like this in so long. it's kind of nice to think about. ]
... I know. Thanks, Law. [ reaching up to rub her eyes a little, get those tears off her face. hrrg. ] I think I feel a little better just telling you all that. I... haven't exactly told anyone before. But I feel like, out of everyone... you'd understand the most.
[ even if she was afraid to say it in the beginning, there's some weight off her chest now that she's not bearing the knowledge of it alone. she knows she can trust law with all this. ]
Sorry for dumping it all on you, though. It's probably a little more than you bargained for when you came to talk to me.