[Leave it to Law to try to say something nice and totally bungle it by making Rinwell feel worse. He watches as her gaze shifts away from him again and his own frown returns, deepening a bit.]
Hey, come on. I already said you don't have to apologize for that. My choice, remember?
[That's the first thing. Even before he starts talking about the harder stuff—the things he really doesn't actually know how to properly articulate... he wants Rinwell to know he isn't looking for apologies. Especially not when he's the one here to apologize and clear the air! He really does suck at this.]
But to answer your question? Yeah. I did a pretty bad job, and before we really go and do this, I... want to make sure we're at least on the same page.
[They may bicker a lot, but that's half the fun. No matter how Law complains about it, it absolutely gets under his skin in the worst way that they haven't been talking, that they feel like they're realms away with misunderstandings.] If you want to hear me out, that is.
[ regardless of whether he's looking for the apology or wants it at all, she feels he's owed it. it just doesn't feel right to hurt your closest friend that way and then go on without saying anything. ]
I know you said I don't have to. But I wanted to... okay?
[ her voice is soft, yet still with some conviction when she says that. she wants to get that point across.
she's happy to move on from that, though, and focus on what he wants to say next.
giving a soft nod, she looks back up at him again. ]
... I do.
[ she wants to hear him out, anything he has to say. ]
[He really doesn't need it, but if Rinwell feels like it's necessary, it's not as if he's going to refuse it, either. He just wants her to know that he doesn't feel like she did anything that requires an apology.
But more importantly—Rinwell looks up, and it gives Law all the conviction he needs to keep going. He knows he's going to have to go slow, to talk through all the smaller things he missed, or expand on the things he already said last time. And he wants Rinwell to actually understand him, because he knows she really didn't before.
He really, really doesn't want to mess this up.]
You asked me before why I was defending Almeidrea and I couldn't give you an answer. I didn't know why I was doing it, but after thinking about it... I wasn't defending her. The things she's done are indefensible. I just—I saw that look in your eyes...
That anger, that fury, I just kind of "got it," y'know? [Because of what happened with Zephyr and Ganabelt partially, but he doesn't really want to make this about him in that sense.] And I just knew I couldn't let you carry that weight alone.
[There's more to it, of course. But Law still pauses, offering a gentle, sympathetic glance while giving Rinwell a moment to process his words.]
[ she already knew some of that, at least. she knew the look in her eyes was similar to the hatred of all those people who died in niez. and it affected him. ]
You just kind of... got it?
[ she's trying to connect the dots in her head, combining what he's saying here and what he told her back then. when he defended almeidrea, she truly thought that he was being something of a hypocrite in stopping her. or rather, unfair. he had gotten revenge on the person who killed his father. on the person who made him and everyone around him suffer for so long. so why should rinwell be denied that feeling? it's what's kept her going for so long. she needed it.
but. he told her she'd regret it.
her eyes search his face for answers, her brows knitting further, before she speaks up. ]
You told me back then... that I'd regret it. Were you — were you speaking from experience?
[ has he been carrying that weight alone? is that what's happening? ]
[The look in her eyes is something he just felt worth reiterating, if only because he can't actually verbalize how seeing her fury made his chest tighten and ache. It sprung him into action, even though there are still parts of that he can't quite understand himself.
]...Yeah.
[It takes Law a long moment to say even that much, his own gaze shifting away.]
I know it's not exactly the same. But still, I thought that if I killed Ganabelt, that if I gave him what we all knew he deserved... that I'd feel better in the end. [He draws in a breath, quietly.
It's really hard for him to find the right words, but he knows he has to try. He knows he needs Rinwell to understand why he was looking out for her.]
But I didn't, y'know? Killing Ganabelt won't bring my dad back. It won't... give me a chance to say all the things I never got a chance to. I messed up, and maybe if I hadn't run away, or hadn't sided with the Snake Eyes—
[He shakes his head, trying to cull that line of thinking. That's not what he's here to talk to Rinwell about.] A-Anyway, my point is that... I had you guys with me, and it was still an empty victory. I just... didn't think it was right for you to do that all alone, without thinking it through. Not when you've got us all here to support you, too.
[Law did technically have that when they fought Ganabelt, but it wasn't the same. He barely knew any of them at the time, they just had a single shared motivation. It isn't like now, where Law cares a lot about Rinwell, he knows Alphen and all the others do, too. None of them want it for her.]
[ hearing law say all of that strikes multiple cords in her. she's upset for him and what he's gone through — she herself witnessed his father's death and the utter pain it brought him, as well as the weeks afterward where it still visibly shook him to his core. ]
Law...
[ but it also hits her with reminding her of what was taken from her and what's at stake here. how she lost those important to her, just like he did, and how much she wants almeidrea dead. dead to atone for everything. (dead, in the hopes that rinwell can feel better about her role in everything, as well.)
in the end, she merely frowns deeply, saddened by the thought of law's pain and the thought of what she herself wants out of any of this. ]
So... You're saying you were trying to protect me, right? From what you've been going through...
[ it's certainly much better than what it seemed like before, but. ]
But — Do I even have a right to worry about how I'd feel, in the end? I did think that getting revenge would make things easier, but — but maybe I deserve —
[ to feel terrible. her voice is slightly breathy with her last words, heavy with equal heaviness to what her heart is feeling. the distinct hatred she harbors for herself, even above that which she harbors for almeidrea, bubbles to the surface with this line of thought. does she deserve to be happy, when her parents are dead because of her? what does she deserve? ]
[Strangely enough, the way Rinwell reacts resonates with Law all too well. He understands the feeling; he's grappled plenty with the same exact feeling in the time since Zephyr died.]
I'm not going to pretend I know or understand everything about your situation, Rinwell. But of course you have a right to worry about how you'd feel when it's all over.
[He brings his gaze back up to look at her, a fire of determination burning in his eyes. Law just can't abide by the idea that she'd be deserving of her own suffering, that getting her revenge means she loses the right to worry about those things.] We can't change the past. No matter how many regrets we have... we have to live with the choices we make. But that's why! That's why... I...
I didn't want you to have to live with making that choice alone. Almeidrea's gonna get what she deserves. But...
[It's hard. It's really hard for Law to articulate his feelings and what he's thinking the way he wants to. He doesn't want Rinwell to feel like he's stomping on her feelings again, but all the same?] If it's not going to make you any happier in the end, then nothing is going to change.
[It's the same for Law. He's still struggling with what a life without Zephyr in it means. Struggling with knowing if Zephyr would be proud or ashamed of chasing Ganabelt's downfall in the name of revenge. Struggling with the fact that getting his revenge didn't erase the weight of all his other choices. It's just one more stone on a heavy pile of decisions he's made in his life.]
[ she has to live with the choices she makes... but the choice she made killed her parents. she broke her promise to them and now they're dead. she's always told herself that killing almeidrea would bring her closure — it would get rid of the woman who took everything from her. but it would also, she had hoped, make her feel better about her own mistakes. if she could just kill almeidrea, then she could say she'd fixed things.
but she'd been naive. and proof of that is in the words law's saying to her right now. at this point, who knows whether she'll be happier after this? she was so sure she would be, but now... now, she doesn't know.
it's not that his words aren't working — they are — but they're bringing a lot of uncertainty to her. she'd already been grappling with what was said before, but now these new words are not only making things clearer, they're also making things harder.
she sounds a little more desperate now, her eyes involuntarily beginning to fill up with tears. ]
Then... What am I supposed to do, Law? [ shaking her head and averting her gaze downward. ] I'm tired of living with this. If everything'll be the same after she's gone, then... then...
[ what's the point? she's at a loss. what is she supposed to do to make this guilt and hatred go away? it's so heavy, law. ]
[The way Rinwell looks, the way she speaks every last word—it makes his heart feel like it's in a vice. It's like his chest is being completely crushed by the weight of her sadness.
He can't even begin to fathom what feelings are driving that sensation; he just knows that he needs to find a way to bring the light back to her expression. Somehow. He can't help but feel that everything he's saying is making it worse.
...How could he feel like he's doing anything right when he can see the tears welling in her eyes.]
He-Hey, I'm... That's not—Rinwell... [Ugh. He knows he can be unintentionally insensitive sometimes, but he really is trying here!
He's not sure if he should stay put or do something more; he's frozen a bit in place.] It won't be the same! Maybe it would be if you'd gone through with it. But we're here with you. It's not just about revenge, it's... it's about making sure the things that happened don't happen again.
[Not the way Almeidrea took her family away. Not the experiments. Not the way they saw the people of Niez hollow right before their very eyes. They're ensuring a future for the people of Mahag Saar by taking down Almeidrea, not just chasing revenge.
(Not that it helped Law feel better in Cyslodia doing the very same, but he hopes... he desperately hopes that Rinwell can be better than he was.)]
[ she gets it. she gets what he's saying. she agrees with him — she doesn't want almeidrea to have the ability to ruin anyone else's lives. she's a horrible, disgusting human being who doesn't deserve to take another breath. and yet. ]
I know — I get it, Law... I don't want her to do those things to anyone else either. I want to stop her. It's just...
[ there's more to it than he knows — there's a nuance to her feelings that make this situation more complicated for her. if she hadn't been the catalyst for almeidrea finding her people, then maybe killing almeidrea would help more with her feelings. but as it stands, she's wracked with guilt — and she'd always hoped that killing almeidrea would somehow relieve that. ]
There's something I need to tell you.
[ something she's never told anyone else — something she wishes would just go away and let her heart rest, but at this point she's not so sure a time like that will ever come. she's prone to keeping things bottled up and avoiding telling others, but... there's a part of her that hopes that maybe law can help her. ]
[He definitely doesn't mean to sound like he's condescending to her by stating what they need to do... he just wanted to convey that it's the next step they need to take. That she won't be alone, that he isn't forgiving Almeidrea's actions by any stretch.
But as ever, even after putting days into thinking about how to talk about it to her... Law still fumbles on his words. He's just plain bad at it, even at times when he really needs to pull through. It's frustrating for him, to say the least.
He doesn't let himself get focused on it, though. Not when Rinwell says she needs to tell him something. Not when she sounds as if she's about to just break and that alone makes his stomach do anxious flips.]
Okay.
[It's not like he's going to refuse to hear out or anything, but he still feels like he needs to do something more. So instead of just keeping his gaze fixed, Law get up, moving to sit next to her. Not too close but... well, close enough that if she needs a shoulder to lean on, he can at least do that much for her. He may be terrible with words, he may be unintentionally insensitive at times—but a friend in need is a friend in need. If Rinwell needs support, then he'll at least try his best to give her that much. He looks over to her, offering a small, sympathetic smile.]
[ she takes a shaking breath before beginning, totally unable to make eye contact during this. so maybe it's a good thing he's moved to her side — makes it easier to not look at him. she's afraid to see his reaction, honestly. what if, in the worst case, he hates her as much as she hates herself? ]
... I'm the reason Almeidrea found my family. They — Mom and Dad — always told me not to go around casting magic. I promised them I wouldn't. But, one time... I ended up doing it behind their backs. And... and... that's when she found us.
[ her voice becomes increasingly grim throughout her explanation, kept as short as she could so as to not have to speak on it too much. at this point, she just gives in to the tears rolling down her cheeks — they've spent enough time teasing the edges of her eyes, and there's no point in fighting them.
her hands grip at the grass in front of her, almost for safety, as her whole body seems to harden. ]
It's — It's my fault, Law. They're gone because of me. I thought that... if I could take revenge on Almeidrea... some of this guilt would go away. But now you're telling me it'll be different. [ that it's not so simple. ] So — So what am I supposed to do?
[ and now, small hics and sobs can be heard from her, her face fully facing the ground and her hair covering her expression. not that her expression is any sort of secret. maybe this is more than he bargained for, but — she just couldn't hold it in any longer. the thought that maybe, just maybe, law would have an answer to all this drives her. (not to mention how much the guilt and hatred has bubbled over in her heart.) ]
[For a long moment, it's all he manages to say, softly.
He isn't sure what he can say to that. He understands that feeling of guilt, of feeling responsible for losing the people you love. But all the same, is it his place to say she didn't do anything wrong? At the same time, somewhere in the recesses of his mind, Law does recognize that it's strange they'd be so insistent on teaching her how to use magic while also telling her not to ever use it.
In the world they live in, it feels inevitable that they all have to fight at some point, unless they're going to live the life of an obedient slave. Still, he simply isn't equipped the words it takes to put all of those jumbled thoughts together. He isn't equipped for any of this, really. Not what she tells him, not the way she's sobbing. The vicegrip on his heart tightens, squeezing out feelings he doesn't yet understand. He has to do something for her.
But what? What can he do to help her?
Drawing in a quiet breath, Law shifts just enough to bring his hand up and rest it atop Rinwell's head. Seems that urge to give her a pat isn't going to go away, and maybe this is why.]
Maybe this won't mean much coming from me, since I never met them or anything. But I think your parents would want you to find a way to be happy. [There's still a lot Law doesn't know about Zephyr's feelings, or why he did the things he did. But in those final moments, Law is sure that Zephyr didn't resent him for his choices. All that time, he'd wanted to see his son again, enough so that he put himself in a position to be captured.
A parent's love is... kind of scary that way.] I think no matter what happened, or how, or why... they'd forgive you, Rinwell.
[ during those moments of initial silence, all she can do is let those tears run, small shakes running through her with each sob. she's said her piece, and talking any further is too much for her while she's crying like this. so those moments are actually useful for her — to at least try and get her bearings straight.
but then his hand is on her head, and there's a sharp inhale from the unexpected physical contact. the... comforting motion. it at least ends her sobs — for the most part — and turns them into sniffles and only the occasional sob. focusing on the way it feels, she listens to the rest of his words. a large part of her wants to fight back against that — that how could anyone know whether they would want her to be happy or forgive her when they're dead? she doesn't have any right to be forgiven. she caused the death of the people she loves most in the world, and she should rightly suffer for it.
except... the other part of her wants so desperately for him to be right. to believe him. she knows her parents loved her. they were strict at times, but they were happy together. it's just so hard to get that through to her when she's spent so much time stewing in this alone.
she's quieter now than before, at least. and her hands are no longer gripping the grass so tightly. ]
I-Is that... really what you think, Law? Is it even... okay, for them to forgive me? [ does she truly deserve that? ] And... even if they do, how do I forgive myself?
[For the first time since he's sat down with her, Law feels like maybe he hasn't done something completely wrong. Rinwell's sobs slow and at the very least, he feels as if he's brought her comfort.
He knows it can't fix very much, and he can hear from the way she responds that Rinwell is still as a loss. But she seems much less desperate than a moment ago—even if it ends up being fleeting, it's something.
And he imagines it'll be fleeting, because as Rinwell asks how she can forgive herself, he realizes he can't answer that. He hasn't actually forgiven himself at all yet—he's still carrying the weight of his guilt close to the vest.]
I just think... as parents, they'd forgive you, no matter what. They're the ones who taught you everything, so didn't they like, have to know there was a chance or a reason you'd use it someday? I'm not sure. I can't really go putting too many words in their mouths, I just think they'd forgive you, because they loved you.
[Law's head dips as the images of Zephyr flash through his mind. How he didn't want to fight when they reunited. How he just wanted Law to come back with him. How he laid his life on the line for every belief, and to the very end, he still called out to Law, even as his life was draining from him.
There's a lot Law doesn't know and understand. A lot. Not about the way Zephyr lived, now about how to overcome his own guilt, and not how to help Rinwell any more. But with a shaky, quiet breath, he offers the one thing he keeps telling himself.]
Forgiving yourself... I think it just takes time. Maybe a long, long time.
[ he's placating her feelings, at the very least. putting some form of bandaid on them until she can legitimately figure them out for herself — which is probably the best anyone can do right now. she can't expect others to magically solve her problems and her feelings. ]
Because they loved me... I think... I get what you're saying.
[ they did. in her heart, she knows they did. her brain sometimes tries to tell her otherwise, but... they loved her. they taught her magic not to make her an outcast, but because they loved her. and that magic has helped her help others, even if it's also made her question herself. she knows that, if things were the other way around somehow, she would forgive her parents. so...
meanwhile, it'll take a while for her to forgive herself. she supposes, if that's what he thinks, then she'll believe him. she looks up to law, in a way, and trusts him a great deal. regardless of how silly or thick-headed he can be at times, she believes him in times like this. he wouldn't spew nonsense he doesn't believe himself. ]
Then I... hope that time comes soon. Living with this is... It's hard, Law.
[ a deep, shaky inhale and exhale in try and calm her feelings down further. ]
[Entirely too well. Really, he wishes he didn't know so well how hard it is to live with that feeling.
Law spent so long being angry and bitter at Zephyr, only to realize far too late that his feelings were totally misdirected. It's hard to live with that. It's hard to live with the fact that Zephyr couldn't even see him, didn't even realize Law was at his side at the end. He never got to say the things he wanted to say.
...It's hard. It's so incredibly hard. But Rinwell is going through enough right now, so Law doesn't want to burden here with that. In some ways, she's still a kid, still learning to navigate things even more so than he is. So instead, he ruffles her hair a little, looking over to her with a small smile.]
But until then, you've got us, yeah? I'm sure any one of us would give you an ear if you need to talk. I mean... I know I would. [He knows she's not exactly going to run to Shionne or Dohalim, but Law's also sure she probably trusts Kisara or Alphen more; they're older and more experienced with dealing with hardship.
Law just happened to be here this time, he doesn't really expect that she'd be his first choice for this.
(Even if there's an ache in his chest that tells him he wants to be.)]
[ she does respect alphen a great deal — he's like an older brother kind of figure. he's reliable, kind, helpful... and rather easy to talk to. and while she's only recently gotten to know kisara, she knows her to be a motherly and understanding type. she'd be plenty easy for rinwell to talk to, as well.
but, honestly...? law's the person she's the closest to, even if she doesn't act like it. they're close in age, and the things he's going through don't escape her notice. they're similar to her own experiences, in their own way. there's a certain comfort in talking to him that she's realizing, belatedly.
the idea of having everyone to lean on actually forms a small smile on her lips. aside from hootle, she hasn't had anyone like this in so long. it's kind of nice to think about. ]
... I know. Thanks, Law. [ reaching up to rub her eyes a little, get those tears off her face. hrrg. ] I think I feel a little better just telling you all that. I... haven't exactly told anyone before. But I feel like, out of everyone... you'd understand the most.
[ even if she was afraid to say it in the beginning, there's some weight off her chest now that she's not bearing the knowledge of it alone. she knows she can trust law with all this. ]
Sorry for dumping it all on you, though. It's probably a little more than you bargained for when you came to talk to me.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-10-05 10:28 pm (UTC)Hey, come on. I already said you don't have to apologize for that. My choice, remember?
[That's the first thing. Even before he starts talking about the harder stuff—the things he really doesn't actually know how to properly articulate... he wants Rinwell to know he isn't looking for apologies. Especially not when he's the one here to apologize and clear the air! He really does suck at this.]
But to answer your question? Yeah. I did a pretty bad job, and before we really go and do this, I... want to make sure we're at least on the same page.
[They may bicker a lot, but that's half the fun. No matter how Law complains about it, it absolutely gets under his skin in the worst way that they haven't been talking, that they feel like they're realms away with misunderstandings.] If you want to hear me out, that is.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-06 12:10 am (UTC)I know you said I don't have to. But I wanted to... okay?
[ her voice is soft, yet still with some conviction when she says that. she wants to get that point across.
she's happy to move on from that, though, and focus on what he wants to say next.
giving a soft nod, she looks back up at him again. ]
... I do.
[ she wants to hear him out, anything he has to say. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-06 01:37 am (UTC)[He really doesn't need it, but if Rinwell feels like it's necessary, it's not as if he's going to refuse it, either. He just wants her to know that he doesn't feel like she did anything that requires an apology.
But more importantly—Rinwell looks up, and it gives Law all the conviction he needs to keep going. He knows he's going to have to go slow, to talk through all the smaller things he missed, or expand on the things he already said last time. And he wants Rinwell to actually understand him, because he knows she really didn't before.
He really, really doesn't want to mess this up.]
You asked me before why I was defending Almeidrea and I couldn't give you an answer. I didn't know why I was doing it, but after thinking about it... I wasn't defending her. The things she's done are indefensible. I just—I saw that look in your eyes...
That anger, that fury, I just kind of "got it," y'know? [Because of what happened with Zephyr and Ganabelt partially, but he doesn't really want to make this about him in that sense.] And I just knew I couldn't let you carry that weight alone.
[There's more to it, of course. But Law still pauses, offering a gentle, sympathetic glance while giving Rinwell a moment to process his words.]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-06 02:50 am (UTC)You just kind of... got it?
[ she's trying to connect the dots in her head, combining what he's saying here and what he told her back then. when he defended almeidrea, she truly thought that he was being something of a hypocrite in stopping her. or rather, unfair. he had gotten revenge on the person who killed his father. on the person who made him and everyone around him suffer for so long. so why should rinwell be denied that feeling? it's what's kept her going for so long. she needed it.
but. he told her she'd regret it.
her eyes search his face for answers, her brows knitting further, before she speaks up. ]
You told me back then... that I'd regret it. Were you — were you speaking from experience?
[ has he been carrying that weight alone? is that what's happening? ]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-06 06:46 pm (UTC)]...Yeah.
[It takes Law a long moment to say even that much, his own gaze shifting away.]
I know it's not exactly the same. But still, I thought that if I killed Ganabelt, that if I gave him what we all knew he deserved... that I'd feel better in the end. [He draws in a breath, quietly.
It's really hard for him to find the right words, but he knows he has to try. He knows he needs Rinwell to understand why he was looking out for her.]
But I didn't, y'know? Killing Ganabelt won't bring my dad back. It won't... give me a chance to say all the things I never got a chance to. I messed up, and maybe if I hadn't run away, or hadn't sided with the Snake Eyes—
[He shakes his head, trying to cull that line of thinking. That's not what he's here to talk to Rinwell about.] A-Anyway, my point is that... I had you guys with me, and it was still an empty victory. I just... didn't think it was right for you to do that all alone, without thinking it through. Not when you've got us all here to support you, too.
[Law did technically have that when they fought Ganabelt, but it wasn't the same. He barely knew any of them at the time, they just had a single shared motivation. It isn't like now, where Law cares a lot about Rinwell, he knows Alphen and all the others do, too. None of them want it for her.]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-06 09:20 pm (UTC)Law...
[ but it also hits her with reminding her of what was taken from her and what's at stake here. how she lost those important to her, just like he did, and how much she wants almeidrea dead. dead to atone for everything. (dead, in the hopes that rinwell can feel better about her role in everything, as well.)
in the end, she merely frowns deeply, saddened by the thought of law's pain and the thought of what she herself wants out of any of this. ]
So... You're saying you were trying to protect me, right? From what you've been going through...
[ it's certainly much better than what it seemed like before, but. ]
But — Do I even have a right to worry about how I'd feel, in the end? I did think that getting revenge would make things easier, but — but maybe I deserve —
[ to feel terrible. her voice is slightly breathy with her last words, heavy with equal heaviness to what her heart is feeling. the distinct hatred she harbors for herself, even above that which she harbors for almeidrea, bubbles to the surface with this line of thought. does she deserve to be happy, when her parents are dead because of her? what does she deserve? ]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-06 09:52 pm (UTC)I'm not going to pretend I know or understand everything about your situation, Rinwell. But of course you have a right to worry about how you'd feel when it's all over.
[He brings his gaze back up to look at her, a fire of determination burning in his eyes. Law just can't abide by the idea that she'd be deserving of her own suffering, that getting her revenge means she loses the right to worry about those things.] We can't change the past. No matter how many regrets we have... we have to live with the choices we make. But that's why! That's why... I...
I didn't want you to have to live with making that choice alone. Almeidrea's gonna get what she deserves. But...
[It's hard. It's really hard for Law to articulate his feelings and what he's thinking the way he wants to. He doesn't want Rinwell to feel like he's stomping on her feelings again, but all the same?] If it's not going to make you any happier in the end, then nothing is going to change.
[It's the same for Law. He's still struggling with what a life without Zephyr in it means. Struggling with knowing if Zephyr would be proud or ashamed of chasing Ganabelt's downfall in the name of revenge. Struggling with the fact that getting his revenge didn't erase the weight of all his other choices. It's just one more stone on a heavy pile of decisions he's made in his life.]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-06 11:08 pm (UTC)but she'd been naive. and proof of that is in the words law's saying to her right now. at this point, who knows whether she'll be happier after this? she was so sure she would be, but now... now, she doesn't know.
it's not that his words aren't working — they are — but they're bringing a lot of uncertainty to her. she'd already been grappling with what was said before, but now these new words are not only making things clearer, they're also making things harder.
she sounds a little more desperate now, her eyes involuntarily beginning to fill up with tears. ]
Then... What am I supposed to do, Law? [ shaking her head and averting her gaze downward. ] I'm tired of living with this. If everything'll be the same after she's gone, then... then...
[ what's the point? she's at a loss. what is she supposed to do to make this guilt and hatred go away? it's so heavy, law. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-07 05:07 am (UTC)He can't even begin to fathom what feelings are driving that sensation; he just knows that he needs to find a way to bring the light back to her expression. Somehow. He can't help but feel that everything he's saying is making it worse.
...How could he feel like he's doing anything right when he can see the tears welling in her eyes.]
He-Hey, I'm... That's not—Rinwell... [Ugh. He knows he can be unintentionally insensitive sometimes, but he really is trying here!
He's not sure if he should stay put or do something more; he's frozen a bit in place.] It won't be the same! Maybe it would be if you'd gone through with it. But we're here with you. It's not just about revenge, it's... it's about making sure the things that happened don't happen again.
[Not the way Almeidrea took her family away. Not the experiments. Not the way they saw the people of Niez hollow right before their very eyes. They're ensuring a future for the people of Mahag Saar by taking down Almeidrea, not just chasing revenge.
(Not that it helped Law feel better in Cyslodia doing the very same, but he hopes... he desperately hopes that Rinwell can be better than he was.)]
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Date: 2021-10-07 03:45 pm (UTC)I know — I get it, Law... I don't want her to do those things to anyone else either. I want to stop her. It's just...
[ there's more to it than he knows — there's a nuance to her feelings that make this situation more complicated for her. if she hadn't been the catalyst for almeidrea finding her people, then maybe killing almeidrea would help more with her feelings. but as it stands, she's wracked with guilt — and she'd always hoped that killing almeidrea would somehow relieve that. ]
There's something I need to tell you.
[ something she's never told anyone else — something she wishes would just go away and let her heart rest, but at this point she's not so sure a time like that will ever come. she's prone to keeping things bottled up and avoiding telling others, but... there's a part of her that hopes that maybe law can help her. ]
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Date: 2021-10-07 10:27 pm (UTC)But as ever, even after putting days into thinking about how to talk about it to her... Law still fumbles on his words. He's just plain bad at it, even at times when he really needs to pull through. It's frustrating for him, to say the least.
He doesn't let himself get focused on it, though. Not when Rinwell says she needs to tell him something. Not when she sounds as if she's about to just break and that alone makes his stomach do anxious flips.]
Okay.
[It's not like he's going to refuse to hear out or anything, but he still feels like he needs to do something more. So instead of just keeping his gaze fixed, Law get up, moving to sit next to her. Not too close but... well, close enough that if she needs a shoulder to lean on, he can at least do that much for her. He may be terrible with words, he may be unintentionally insensitive at times—but a friend in need is a friend in need. If Rinwell needs support, then he'll at least try his best to give her that much. He looks over to her, offering a small, sympathetic smile.]
I'm all ears, Rinwell.
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Date: 2021-10-07 10:55 pm (UTC)[ she takes a shaking breath before beginning, totally unable to make eye contact during this. so maybe it's a good thing he's moved to her side — makes it easier to not look at him. she's afraid to see his reaction, honestly. what if, in the worst case, he hates her as much as she hates herself? ]
... I'm the reason Almeidrea found my family. They — Mom and Dad — always told me not to go around casting magic. I promised them I wouldn't. But, one time... I ended up doing it behind their backs. And... and... that's when she found us.
[ her voice becomes increasingly grim throughout her explanation, kept as short as she could so as to not have to speak on it too much. at this point, she just gives in to the tears rolling down her cheeks — they've spent enough time teasing the edges of her eyes, and there's no point in fighting them.
her hands grip at the grass in front of her, almost for safety, as her whole body seems to harden. ]
It's — It's my fault, Law. They're gone because of me. I thought that... if I could take revenge on Almeidrea... some of this guilt would go away. But now you're telling me it'll be different. [ that it's not so simple. ] So — So what am I supposed to do?
[ and now, small hics and sobs can be heard from her, her face fully facing the ground and her hair covering her expression. not that her expression is any sort of secret. maybe this is more than he bargained for, but — she just couldn't hold it in any longer. the thought that maybe, just maybe, law would have an answer to all this drives her. (not to mention how much the guilt and hatred has bubbled over in her heart.) ]
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Date: 2021-10-08 02:30 am (UTC)[For a long moment, it's all he manages to say, softly.
He isn't sure what he can say to that. He understands that feeling of guilt, of feeling responsible for losing the people you love. But all the same, is it his place to say she didn't do anything wrong? At the same time, somewhere in the recesses of his mind, Law does recognize that it's strange they'd be so insistent on teaching her how to use magic while also telling her not to ever use it.
In the world they live in, it feels inevitable that they all have to fight at some point, unless they're going to live the life of an obedient slave. Still, he simply isn't equipped the words it takes to put all of those jumbled thoughts together. He isn't equipped for any of this, really. Not what she tells him, not the way she's sobbing. The vicegrip on his heart tightens, squeezing out feelings he doesn't yet understand. He has to do something for her.
But what? What can he do to help her?
Drawing in a quiet breath, Law shifts just enough to bring his hand up and rest it atop Rinwell's head. Seems that urge to give her a pat isn't going to go away, and maybe this is why.]
Maybe this won't mean much coming from me, since I never met them or anything. But I think your parents would want you to find a way to be happy. [There's still a lot Law doesn't know about Zephyr's feelings, or why he did the things he did. But in those final moments, Law is sure that Zephyr didn't resent him for his choices. All that time, he'd wanted to see his son again, enough so that he put himself in a position to be captured.
A parent's love is... kind of scary that way.] I think no matter what happened, or how, or why... they'd forgive you, Rinwell.
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Date: 2021-10-08 02:52 am (UTC)but then his hand is on her head, and there's a sharp inhale from the unexpected physical contact. the... comforting motion. it at least ends her sobs — for the most part — and turns them into sniffles and only the occasional sob. focusing on the way it feels, she listens to the rest of his words. a large part of her wants to fight back against that — that how could anyone know whether they would want her to be happy or forgive her when they're dead? she doesn't have any right to be forgiven. she caused the death of the people she loves most in the world, and she should rightly suffer for it.
except... the other part of her wants so desperately for him to be right. to believe him. she knows her parents loved her. they were strict at times, but they were happy together. it's just so hard to get that through to her when she's spent so much time stewing in this alone.
she's quieter now than before, at least. and her hands are no longer gripping the grass so tightly. ]
I-Is that... really what you think, Law? Is it even... okay, for them to forgive me? [ does she truly deserve that? ] And... even if they do, how do I forgive myself?
[ how has he forgiven himself? ]
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Date: 2021-10-08 07:57 pm (UTC)He knows it can't fix very much, and he can hear from the way she responds that Rinwell is still as a loss. But she seems much less desperate than a moment ago—even if it ends up being fleeting, it's something.
And he imagines it'll be fleeting, because as Rinwell asks how she can forgive herself, he realizes he can't answer that. He hasn't actually forgiven himself at all yet—he's still carrying the weight of his guilt close to the vest.]
I just think... as parents, they'd forgive you, no matter what. They're the ones who taught you everything, so didn't they like, have to know there was a chance or a reason you'd use it someday? I'm not sure. I can't really go putting too many words in their mouths, I just think they'd forgive you, because they loved you.
[Law's head dips as the images of Zephyr flash through his mind. How he didn't want to fight when they reunited. How he just wanted Law to come back with him. How he laid his life on the line for every belief, and to the very end, he still called out to Law, even as his life was draining from him.
There's a lot Law doesn't know and understand. A lot. Not about the way Zephyr lived, now about how to overcome his own guilt, and not how to help Rinwell any more. But with a shaky, quiet breath, he offers the one thing he keeps telling himself.]
Forgiving yourself... I think it just takes time. Maybe a long, long time.
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Date: 2021-10-08 09:35 pm (UTC)Because they loved me... I think... I get what you're saying.
[ they did. in her heart, she knows they did. her brain sometimes tries to tell her otherwise, but... they loved her. they taught her magic not to make her an outcast, but because they loved her. and that magic has helped her help others, even if it's also made her question herself. she knows that, if things were the other way around somehow, she would forgive her parents. so...
meanwhile, it'll take a while for her to forgive herself. she supposes, if that's what he thinks, then she'll believe him. she looks up to law, in a way, and trusts him a great deal. regardless of how silly or thick-headed he can be at times, she believes him in times like this. he wouldn't spew nonsense he doesn't believe himself. ]
Then I... hope that time comes soon. Living with this is... It's hard, Law.
[ a deep, shaky inhale and exhale in try and calm her feelings down further. ]
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Date: 2021-10-09 12:22 am (UTC)[Entirely too well. Really, he wishes he didn't know so well how hard it is to live with that feeling.
Law spent so long being angry and bitter at Zephyr, only to realize far too late that his feelings were totally misdirected. It's hard to live with that. It's hard to live with the fact that Zephyr couldn't even see him, didn't even realize Law was at his side at the end. He never got to say the things he wanted to say.
...It's hard. It's so incredibly hard. But Rinwell is going through enough right now, so Law doesn't want to burden here with that. In some ways, she's still a kid, still learning to navigate things even more so than he is. So instead, he ruffles her hair a little, looking over to her with a small smile.]
But until then, you've got us, yeah? I'm sure any one of us would give you an ear if you need to talk. I mean... I know I would. [He knows she's not exactly going to run to Shionne or Dohalim, but Law's also sure she probably trusts Kisara or Alphen more; they're older and more experienced with dealing with hardship.
Law just happened to be here this time, he doesn't really expect that she'd be his first choice for this.
(Even if there's an ache in his chest that tells him he wants to be.)]
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Date: 2021-10-09 04:32 am (UTC)but, honestly...? law's the person she's the closest to, even if she doesn't act like it. they're close in age, and the things he's going through don't escape her notice. they're similar to her own experiences, in their own way. there's a certain comfort in talking to him that she's realizing, belatedly.
the idea of having everyone to lean on actually forms a small smile on her lips. aside from hootle, she hasn't had anyone like this in so long. it's kind of nice to think about. ]
... I know. Thanks, Law. [ reaching up to rub her eyes a little, get those tears off her face. hrrg. ] I think I feel a little better just telling you all that. I... haven't exactly told anyone before. But I feel like, out of everyone... you'd understand the most.
[ even if she was afraid to say it in the beginning, there's some weight off her chest now that she's not bearing the knowledge of it alone. she knows she can trust law with all this. ]
Sorry for dumping it all on you, though. It's probably a little more than you bargained for when you came to talk to me.